Memories, Grief, and Healing During the High Holydays

Holiday seasons are always challenging, whether a loved one has died in the past year or if it has been many years since they've been gone.

As we approach the holidays of Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Sukkot, there are many opportunities to honor someone's memory and acknowledge the loss you have experienced.

Intentionally planning to incorporate some of these practices helps us gain the most benefit from this special time of the year. All of the following are open to adjustment based on your needs.

• Visit the grave of a loved one - Many people plan to visit a grave before Rosh Hashanah and/or between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Some use it to "tell" their loved one everything that has happened the past year, or just spend some time at the cemetery. If you always did the crosswords together, sat and read, or something similar, there's no reason you can't do that at the cemetery.

• Plan an activity - Whether with family or on your own, do something that reminds you of the person. Cook a favorite dish, go for a hike or to a sporting event, volunteer at an organization they supported, attend a concert or the theater. Even if you do this solo, telling friends or family about it is a way to share that tradition with others.

• Seek out companionship - Not everyone has surviving family, they are not always nearby, or you may not be in touch with them. Whether you reach out to extended family or get together with the family you've created through friendships, commit to spending a little time with others. Share with them some of the activities mentioned above, memories of your loved one, or just a meal and some time together.

• Make a donation - Donate to a charity your loved one supported, or one dedicated to researching a cure for whatever illness they may have had.

• Attend a yizkor service - The yizkor memorial service takes place during two of the high holyday services. The first is on Yom Kippur, which falls on September 25. The second is on Shemini Atzeret (in non-Reform congregations), which falls on October 7. Service times vary by congregation and most are posted on their websites.

• Light a memorial candle - It is customary to light a small yahrzeit candle the evening before the yizkor services (the evenings of September 24 and October 6). Candles can typically be found in the kosher food section of most grocery stores and in synagogue gift shops.

• Honor your survival - No relationship is perfect. Sometimes there is residual anger over hurtful relationships, the cause of someone's death, unresolved interpersonal issues, et cetera. You are not expected to grieve a certain way, and some people are grieving more than a death. Whether you would benefit from a night away, a massage, a bucket list activity, a small but meaningful purchase - or some other way of acknowledging your specific grief - take some time to grant yourself compassion and honor for whatever point you've reached on your journey.

As always, please don't hesitate to reach out to us about our Grief Support programs.

The State of Maryland also has a page with links to Grief and Loss Resources. *If you are having a mental health crisis, please go to your nearest emergency room or call 911.*